Euvula, CA, January 2, 2007 (Daily Whisper) What would you do if you came home and found a 2 ton walrus caught in your pet door holding valuable electronics? Sam and Shirley Snopes immediately called Euvula police, who struggled for 29 minutes to handcuff the beached behemoth before finally calling animal control. With the aid of a crane, the hapless criminal was hoisted onto a flat bed, the door still in place around its midsection, and taken to county jail for processing. Police were at a loss for motive. Police Chief Michael Kenyon suggested a “terribly misguided mastermind” was recruiting the walruses for a burglary ring. “I’ve seen all kinds of criminal organizations, and this one has to be the dumbest.” Though he did admit that a 2 ton perpetrator would have an intimidating physical presence. In each of the earlier incidents, the walruses entered the house through an unlocked [...]

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“In regione caecorum rex est luscus.” “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” ~ Desiderius Erasmus Roterodamus “The lamp of the body is the eye. (Lamps shed light. Light dispels darkness. Monsters lurk in the dark. So light dispels monsters.) If your eye is sound, (Do you have fully charged batteries in your flashlight? If not, you merely have a large paper weight. You cannot be productive if you cannot focus and you cannot focus in the dark.) your whole body will be filled with light; (When your workplace is full of light you are energized because you can focus. When you concentrate on the task at hand it leaves no room for doubt or fear or darkness or boogie-men.) but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be in darkness. (“Quiet on the set! Lights out! Queue scary music! Release the monsters! Attack! [...]

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